The Matt Files//Chapter Seven//Hogwarts and its Hoochie Mamas

Guest Stars – Denise Tran, Emily Chow, Ahndi Flores [as Gollum and Kreacher's child] Raelynn Tamayose, and Priscilla Chang, aka Kit.

Thank you to Ahndi for some suggestions. =D

P.S. I do not own Harry potter [this is a disclaimer so I don't get sued] I'm just using him to torture his sorry butt in this story. For you Harry fans, sorry but I think he's turning conceited and due to that I have officially promised to dedicate this chapter to his torture and pain and humiliation. Thank you.

Long ass Chapterrrrrr

I sat quietly in the Gryffindor Room, watching everyone sleep peacefully on the floor. We had arrived at Hogwarts today, and using everyone's odd and unexplainable super and chaotic powers, got into the Gryffindor room undetected. Raelynn had came upon Hogwarts at last, but not after crashing into several walls, bringing us to NEVER LAND, making us all fall into a lake full of alligators, and least but not last, having a not-so-good landing in the Dark Forest.

I read about the Dark Forest in Harry Potter, and thought I would hate to be there, and hate to be at Hogwarts, but the Dark Forest was funnier than I thought, even if I did get a black eye. For some reason, everyone has the urge to do wrestling while we were there, and we had some kind of tournament, like Pokemon...

Kit went against Anna with all those giant spiders, but Anna's secret weapon was Emily, [they screamed "I CHOOSE YOU, EMILY", and things like that so now you see my relation to pokemon.] who used her powers to turn all the spiders into McChickens and ate them all. Denise used her playboy bunnies against Raelynn, who just screamed, ran around, then crashed into a tree and was knocked unconscious. I, however, had to go against Hagrid's little brother, Grawp. Kit was explaining to me how to make things appear out of thin air, and I thought I had it down, so then went against Grawp, I was bouncing around like some boxer with his pants on fire with my fists up, and all Grawp had to do was poke me and I was down faster than a drop of water could heat up in the Sahara desert.

Thank you Emily for your healing powers as well. Even if you made my black eye a bit worse, at least I don't have a broken leg. So now here we all are, in the Gryffindor room, with everyone else asleep up in their dorms not even knowing that we're here....

I wonder... if Umbridge can exist, does Harry Potter as well??? I took a quick look at everyone, then stood up slowly. Walking up the boys dorms, I made sure that my feet didn't make any noises as I creped up the stairs. How weird, I make myself sound like some peeping tom...ewwww...

I came up and realized that there were tons of doors, each leading to rooms where bunks lay. Damn, J.K. Rowling never gave instructions! I went into the door that appealed most to me and peeked inside. And oh my lord there was hairy Harry himself! He sat on his bunk, sleeping as the moonlight poured on his face. I stood next to his bunk and squatted down so I could get a better look on his face. He looked exactly like the dorky dude on the cover of the books! My eyes widened in awe. Wow... at least when I went along with those scary chaotic idiots I saw a few interesting people...

Suddenly, Harry's eyes snapped open and we both screamed. It was quite odd, staring at each other and just screaming your bloody head off. Especially if the other's spit goes into your mouth.... EW...

Harry practically jumped out of bed, hit his head on the top of the bunk, then fell back down. After a few seconds of "ow ow ow" he saw me again, and screamed. This time I covered my face.

"Calm down dude, I'm not here to rape you or anything!" I yelled, wiping the back of my hands on my jeans. "Then what the hell are you doing here?!" Harry asked cautiously, picking up his wand from the dresser near the bed.

I took a step back. "Woah man, wouldn't wanna do that."

"Is that a threat evil vile man who is tall and weird looking and trying to rape me in my bed?!" Harry yelled, pointing his wand at me.

I was disgusted. My view on Harry Potter had always been that in the latest book, he was some spoiled little brat who's temper was gay and he secretly loved all the attention he got.

"No.. Because there are some psycho people who will seriously do some crazy stuff if you kill me..."

"Is that another threat evil vile man who is tall and weird looking and trying to rape me in my bed?!"

I sighed. This guy was so seriously gay it wasn't funny. Plus I'm not WEIRD looking... I'M SEXY! Oh yeah.. I'm so sexy.. Just look at me in that mirror behind Harry's bunk! Oh yeah, I look so innocent and tall and handsome and...

"Well?!" Harry interrupted my praising and worshipping of myself.

"No. We, at least THEY, came here to kill Umbridge."

Harry gasped. "Are they dementors?" I almost snorted with laughter. "Dementors? No. They're WORSE. [Another gasp from Harry.] They're evil little stalkers who can eat their way through undestructable pineapples, go through walls, attack each other with killing McChickens, read porno books, mumble in their sleep like some ranting chipmunk...and I think you get my point."

"No... I don't.." Harry said, looking uneasy as he pulled his covers up to his chest as though he were some lady naked being spied on. I was even more disgusted. "Whatever dude, I just wanted to see if you were real. Well, bye now."

I made a move towards the door when Harry screamed something that sounded very bad... I turned around and saw some green light going towards me. It didn't hit me however, because at that moment, Denise, Emily, Anna, and Kit had come into the room and kicked the green light away. [Raelynn was most likely sleeping and snoring while waking up china.]

Kit grabbed the green light that was bouncing off the walls and presumed to stretch it as though making a poodle using a balloon. Harry stared, stared, stared some more with eyes as big as Jupiter, then started to scream.

Luckily, Denise, who was still reading her book, shoved a purple ugly sock into his mouth, which he proceeded to choke on. Kit said "TADA" as she showed us the completed green light poodle. Anna and Emily clapped in awe.

After Harry had taken the sock from his mouth and coughed many times, he glared at us. "How did you do that?! No one has been able to counter a spell with.. with.. THEIR FOOT!" To my amazement, everyone ignored him and continued doing what they were doing.

The next moment there was another scream. People who scream are starting to annoy me... [Probably since I'm use to this chaoticness already.] I saw that it was the redhead boy, Ron, who I thought was kind of okay in the Harry Potter book but had too much low esteem... he should have more of a better thought of himself. Like for instance, me, I'm sexy and I know it, so for that reason, I have high self-esteem. Yes, I am so sexy... Look at me in that window reflection, oh so sexy and loveable and....

"Who the bloody hell are you?"

"Kit." Kit said, turning the poodle into a blueprint of the way to Atlantis.

"Ermervvvy." Emily said, eating another McChicken. [Doesn't she ever get tired of those..?]

"Denise." Denise said half-heartedly, sitting on Harry's bunk and taking out another magazine, her face practically buried in it.

"Anna." Anna said, who had somehow found a way to take Harry's wand and was now poking him repeatedly with it. [Harry seemed almost dead and all he could do was stare straight ahead.]

"Uhh... Matt." I said quickly, staring at Ron. "Ron, right?" Ron nodded, somewhat hesitantly. "What in the bloody hell are you doing in our room? I don't remember you being Griffindors..."

"Weber nuut!" Emily said, her mouth full of her sandwich. "Weber grop bo gilly brumbidge!"

Ron gave her a look which made him look like the stupidest idiot on earth. "She said 'we're not. we've come to kill Umbridge'." Denise said, yawning and finishing yet another magazine, which she threw over her shoulder and in a poof it disappeared.

"Kill Umbridge..?" Ron said, a smile appearing over his face. "KILL HER! KILL HER BY ALL MEANS HANG HER BY HER BLOODY TOES FROM A TREE IN YOUR BACK YARD AND HIT HER WITH A BAT! WE'LL PLAY UMBRIDGE TORTURE PINYATA! WHOOO! KILL UMBRDIGE YOU SAY?!"

Ron started laughing his bloody head off, which was quite disturbing, and screaming ways to kill Umbridge. Torturous, painful, disturbing ways...

I was now, very, very, afraid of Ron.

"By the way..." Kit said suddenly, her eyes widening. "Is Cho here? I'd like to give her a piece of my mind for SCARING the CHANG NAME! THAT STUPID WHORE! CRYBABY FAT PIE OF ****! Why that !$%^@#$^@$%#$%!!!!!"

Emily tried calming Kit down, who was screaming about the Chang name being sacred and holy and that only worthy people could uphold it.

"We're getting absolutely nowhere." I muttered, who suddenly felt a small poke on my leg. I looked down and saw what had to be the UGLIEST creature in my entire life. It was purplish green with some baggy rag on it; its skin bumpily and wrinkly, big wide eyes, and ugly floppy but slightly pointed ears. She, or he, or it was tugging at my sock.

"MY PRECIOUS!" It screamed, tugging with all its pathetic might. I lifted up my foot, and it fell to the ground. It let out a puffed exhale, twitched, then fell limp.

"What did you do to Ahndi?!" A voice screamed behind me, rushing to the ugly disgusting vile thing that on the ground was twitching like mad. I realized it was Hermione, the house-elf queen, and shrugged. "I lifted up my foot."

Hermione gave me a quick glare, and then helped Ahndi stand up. "Are you okay, Ahndi?" she asked, petting the creature's head that only had one hair. "Stupid mudblood touching Ahndi! Ahndi's skin is now filthy and disgusting." The Ahndi thing glared at Hermione, then put on a smile and said. "Ahndi is fine." The next moment it launched into a bunch of insults at Hermione, thinking that it didn't hear her at all, but Hermione just smiled.

"Stupid girl always rushing to Ahndi! Well nooo Hermione does not know that Ahndi put that spider in evil girl's room. HAHAHAHHA! Trying to give Ahndi a new precious, stupid stupid cactus head girl!"

"HERMIONE!" Ron yelled, "When are you EVER going to realize that that thing actually means what it's saying and give up spew?" Hermione threw a nearby trophy at Ron. "IT'S NOT SPEW FOR THE LAST TIME AND WHAT WAS ALL THAT SCREAMING FOR---"

Hermione noticed for the first time that everyone was there.

And yet again, we had to launch into the tiring explanation.

----Next Morning because I don't want to write about the part of Hermione----

Raelynn was still sleeping quietly on the floor, twitching in her sleep, and occasionally lifting an arm or leg which would stay there for at least an hour. Hermione, Ron, and Harry laughed at us when we said you couldn't wake her up, but after several attempts of trying [we even gave them permission to zap her with spells] they gave up.

"How do you plan to destroy Umbridge?" Harry asked. We were all in the Gryffindor common room again, sitting on the comfortable couches. Harry had hid me in his room for the night, and Hermione had kept the girls safe in her dormitory. After they all had gotten back from their classes, they had come here during lunch [they brought more food THANK GOD I can't stand another McChicken] and were asking us all sorts of questions.

"We don't have a plan." Kit said simply. "We just plan to kill her. Period."

Hermione, Harry, and Ron exchanged looks, but said nothing.

"How did you get in here anyway?" Hermione asked. "Hogwarts has a protective--"

"Yeah yeah we know we know." Emily said, who had been arguing with Denise about which was gayer; McChickens or porn. "We just CAME, you know? Period. No explanation."

"You can't just--" Hermione began, flabbergasted.

"WE KNOW!" All the girls yelled at her, sighing. "You base too many things on fact, Hermit crab, too many things...” Anna said.

"I TOLD YOU! I'M NOT HERMIT CRAB!"

"Okay, whatever you say......hermit crab."

This resulted in a large argument. Ron was arguing with Kit over the way that she could do things, Anna and Hermione about the hermit crab thing, Harry and Denise about porn, and Emily and I just sat on the couch, watching quietly.

"Want a McChicken?" she asked, handing me one.

"Why not..." I muttered softly, unwrapping the McChicken and taking a large bite.

"We're not getting anywhere fast."

The next moment two people came bounding in the room. I realized them as Fred and George. "Ahoy Mates!" They cried. About now I was wondering exactly where in the Harry Potter book we were in... Sirius Black was obviously not dead, Fred and George hadn't run away yet, and Voldemort hadn't returned. But maybe we were in the sixth??

Hmm...

"Hiiiii!!!" Denise screamed, jumping off the couch and running to the two giving them a big hug. "Hey! Denise!" Fred, or maybe George, or was that Fred[???] cried, "What are you doing here?"

"Killing Umbridge." She stated plainly.

"Right ON!" George, or Fred, or whoever it was said, giving her a high five. "You know them?!" Ron gasped, looking from Denise to Fred, or is that George, to Fred, or George... JUST FRED AND GEORGE!

"Of course I know Fred and George!" Denise said. "I buy my--" Fred, or George, clamped their hands over Denise's mouth and gave everyone a big, toothy, freaky looking grin. "We sell her all kinds of things!" He said, looking at Denise with that big toothy scary smile. "Right?"

Denise nodded. Emily coughed rather loudly.

"Hmm... I know Denise, Emily, Kit, and Anna, but who's the dead girl and you?" Fred, or George, asked, indicating Raelynn who was twitching, and me. "That's Matt," Harry said, giving me the evil eye. "He tried to RAPE me."

Fred and George started to choke on laughter. "I DID NOT TRY TO RAPE YOU FOR THE MIILLIONTH TIME!" I yelled at Harry, who had his hands over some imaginary boobs of his. Hermione coughed and looked the other way. Emily threw a McChicken at her head and looked away innocently; whistling.

For the first time, I was glad that the weirdo’s were on my side. They were better then these stupid characters!! Hermione seemed like such a smart-ass and that she knew everything, Ron was plain freaky and dense, and Harry was snobby and a fag. I hope that everyone else wasn't like this... At least Fred and George were cool though.

"Soooo Denise. We just got a new shipment? Wanna check it out?" Fred, or George, said , pointing to the boys dorm. "YES!! I WANT TO SEE IT NOW!!" Denise screamed a little too loudly, already halfway up the stairs. Fred and George laughed uneasily, looking at the rest of us staring. "well she uh... loves the candy a lot!"

"SURE HELL I DO!" Denise cried from upstairs as Fred and George walked quickly up the stairs as well.

I almost choked on my McChicken as Harry crossed his legs and stuck his nose in the air. "Well I think I should go to class." He said, looking at Hermione and Ron. "should we?"

"Yes." They both said too quickly, standing up. "Bye." They made their way to the door when Emily screamed. Ahndi had found its way into the room and was now walking towards her. She, however, was throwing her McChickens at it, and it didn't seem to notice as they bounced off its head and onto the ground, jumping around like crazy.

"GET AWAY! GET IT AWAY! GET THE UGLY ICKY THING AWAY!" Emily screamed, kicking it in the face. Ahndi's head snapped back, stared at the ceiling for a moment, then looked at Emily again. "Evil McChicken woman throwing things at Ahndi and kicking Ahndi's face I’ll show her!!"

Emily just screamed some more as Hermione gasped. "DON'T DO THAT!" Hermione screamed, running back and trying to grab the McChickens from her hands. Instead she got bitten by them and Hermione started to scream. "GET AWAY FROM ME EVIL WOMAN!" Emily screamed, shoving her hand against Hermione's face. "DON'T TOUCH MY MCCHICKENS EITHER!!!"

The rest of us watched as Emily stood on the couch screaming, throwing McChickens at mumbling Ahndi and mad Hermione. As Ron came along, Kit stuck her foot out and tripped him, then looked away, a oh-too-innocent look on her face. Ron muttered something about "you better be glad you're a girl" and then made his way to Hermione. "Come ON Hermione, we're going to be bloody late!"

"I CAN'T LEAVE THE POOR CREATURE WITH THESE FREAKS!" Hermione screamed, kicking the McChickens that were biting her like piranhas.

"KREACHER!" Ahndi suddenly screamed, digging in her little rag for something. "KREACHER'S TREASURE!" Ahndi screamed, falling to her knees. "MUST FIND KREACHER'S TREASURE! KREACHER'S TREASURE IS AHNDI'S PRECIOUS! MUST FIND PRECIOUS!"

I stared at the pitiful heap on the floor. "What um, is your precious?"

Ahndi's tears soon dried as she glared at me. Amazing it was how her extremely large insect-like eyes could go so narrow and beady-like. "YOU STOLE IT!" she said, pointing to my purple socks. "YOU STOLE... MY PRECIOUS!!!!" I stared at Ahndi, and had the irresistible urge to kick her. I almost snickered when a McChicken hit her in the face. Anna and Kit suddenly screamed though.

"YOU'RE RELATED TO KREACHER?!"

"YES! KREACHER IS AHNDI'S FATHER! YOU HORRIBLE CHILDREN YOU--"

Ahndi was cut off as at the next moment she let off a blood curling scream. Anna had taken out a giant hammer, her eyes glittering dangerously, and Kit had taken out her scythe, which sparkled evilly. Their hair stood on end, and it seemed as though a fan was pointed at them to make their clothes rustle, but instead, it was the energy of their anger.

"EVIL...THING....KILLED...SIZZLING SEXY LIKE STEAK SIRIUS...." Anna screamed to Kit, lifting her hammer and ignoring Hermione's blood curling screams of "DON'T KILL HER!"

"Yes...." Priscilla nodded, her scythe coming close to Ahndi's neck. "YOU SHALL DIE!" Ahndi screamed, her eyes going bigger than ever, as she proceeded to run as fast as the wind. "COME BACK HER YOU SCUM!" they screamed, chasing after it. "YOU'LL PAY YOU PIECE OF CRAP!"

Emily started laughing hysterically, throwing McChickens at Ron and Harry now, and I couldn't help but grin as well. I never knew the day would come when I actually agreed with them... I hated Ahndi as much as they did, it disgusted me to a point of hurling, just looking at it made me want to kick it repeatedly. I watched as Hermione pathetically tried to stop them, and as this happened, Hermione had somehow grabbed onto each of their legs and was being dragged across the floor. This did not affect the speed of how fast they went.

For several more moments there was more and more Chaos; Harry was knocked unconscious by too many McChickens hitting him, Ron kept on being tripped by Emily, Hermione’s protests were screaming loudly, Raelynn finally awoke, screamed at everyone, then when running smashed into a wall and fell unconscious again, I actually acted crazy for once and started running from Ahndi who was trying to steal my sock, and on and on...

Until Hermione realized they had just missed potions.

"OH MY GOD!" She screamed, shaking Harry. "WE MISSED HALF OF THE CLASS! SNAPE IS GOING TO KILL US!" Harry suddenly was awake, and he screamed a very... girly... screams. "OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS MACARONI CHEESEY! LEMONY SQUEEZY! ZEEDOS LAPEEDOS!" He said, his hands going to his face in shock as he proceeded to dance as though his pants were on free.

"BLOODY HELL!" Ron screamed as well. "WE BETTER GO! COME ON!" They raced out of the entrance, and I saw the rest of the girls grin. "FOLLOW!" Anna yelled, kicking Ahndi out of her way and grabbing me by my collar and dragging me along. Several students stared at us in the hall as we hid behind view of the three rushing characters. I wouldn't blame them. They obviously are wondering where are our robes....

Ha! I wouldn't wear those gay things for anything! They'd make me look gay! But then again, I would look sexy because I look sexy in anything and sexy is--

"OH MY GOD... KIRSTIN?!" Anna's horrified scream made me turn to see, and indeed, inside the classroom, who looked just as shocked, was Kirstin, who had been about to scold Harry, Ron, and Hermione for being late.

"You're...You’re... PROFESSOR SNAPE?!" Anna said, trying not to laugh so hard that she'd fall. She let go of my collar and I fell to the ground in a thud. Kirstin opened her mouth, closed it, opened it, then closed it, then repeated this several times before she let out an uneasy laugh. "Hey! What are... you guys doing...HERE?"

She said, giving Hermione, Ron, and Harry a menacing look of death that would burn holes through anyone's head. "We came here to kill Umbridge!" Emily said plainly. Not too surprisingly, several students let out "WHOOP!" noises, and started clapping. Emily, annoyed at all the noise, threw the man-eating piranha like McChickens at them, and they, in return, screamed their heads off.

"Kirstin... you're...you're...YOU'RE PROFESSOR SNAPE?!" Anna said again, her face turning red from trying not to crack up. "YES! I'M PROFESSOR SNAPE OKAY?! I CAME HERE FOR A JOB AND I AM SNAPE! I'M SNAPE! THE LOSER IN HIGH SCHOOL WHO WAS BULLIED BY HARRY'S DAD! I'M SNAPE THE GUY WITH A LONG NOSE AND WHO I ALWAYS CALLED GAY! I'M SNAAAAAAAAAAAPE!"

Anna started laughing like hell and all I could do was stare at Kirstin, who was wearing a fake snap wig and who was probably wearing stilts under those robes to be so tall. Kirstin turned as red as a heavy load period [kit's metaphor xD] and coughed, growling at the three stooges to take a seat, then grabbed all of us, and dragged us outside.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELL ARE YOU--"

"I SAID we came to kill Umbridge. Do you listen?!" Emily said, tempted to throw a McChicken as usual. Kit just stared at Kirstin, and shook her head silently. I sighed. At least it wasn't as chaotic as usual. Denise insisted on staying with Fred and George, and of course no one could wake Raelynn up....

Anna was still laughing as Kirstin started to choke her and shake her by the neck, screaming to shut up. "Hey Snape," Anna said in between laughter. "Make sure to bust Harry, Ron, and Hermione for us k? They're real snobs."

Everyone agreed. I wanted to have Gryffindor’s points sent to hell...WAHHAHAHA! Whoa. Did I just laugh evilly?! O________O NOOO!!

Kirstin looked at all of us. "You hate those brats too?"

"YES"

Kirstin grinned, her eyes glinting. "Well well.. I have an idea that can make you ruin their lives. And kill Umbridge of course.....MWAHAHHAHAHA....HAHAH...HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!"

End of chapter seven